December 17th, 2017
I don’t think I’ve ever truly gotten over you. Sure, I’ve let go of my hatred upon learning how unjustified it truly was, but have I truly forgot you? No, no I haven’t. If anything, I think about you even more now.
I know how you look now. Sometimes, I’ll voluntarily whisk myself away into galleries of nothing but your face. I’ve read paragraphs upon paragraphs of carefully written words about you, and each phrase and clause is still with me today. I’m not exactly sure why I allow myself to engage in this self-destructive behavior. I know in the end it will only burn me and leave me a breathless mess, but I have no self-control when it comes to you.
I’m not going to act like you are in my mind like you were before, but I’m not going to pretend that I’ve let you go, because I haven’t. There is some force that keeps drawing me to you, and I don’t know why. Perhaps there’s some higher power trying to show me something, but I can’t figure out what that’d be. I can’t explain what about you and your story is so fascinating that I continue to be pulled in.
Sometimes I wish you’d leave my head. Other times I wish you’d stay, because in some moments, I don’t mind your presence in my thoughts. On some days, you’re the one thing in my head that stays the same when everything else changes. On other days, however, I want to just rip those thoughts straight out and wash them down the drain.
One of these days, I’m going to finally figure out why I can’t resist you, and perhaps that will be the day I learn how to control myself, and how to let go of you, because you’re fire, and when you play with fire, you’re bound to get burned.